I Wait For Death Like A Soldier's Wife

Somewhere between birth and puberty the butterflies painted on the walls of my bedroom migrated to my gut

Flipping and fluttering filled with love for love

Somewhere between middle school and high school graduation

The butterflies in my stomach had an identity crisis

Who they loved was both everyone and no one

The boy with the long hair and ripped jeans

The girl with a buzz cut and collection of flannel

Somewhere between 2016 and 2020 the butterfly population doubles

Overflowing with love, hope, joy, and praying it never leaves, anxious it is all temporary

But the breeder of the butterfly population poisoned every last one of them

Killing love, hope, and joy because she found destruction fun

Complete extinction

Somewhere during graduate school I tried to revive the butterflies

But all attempts at bringing them back only poisoned their environment, complete collapse

No amount of restoration works

I make peace with a life without butterflies

Somewhere since a failed fling in a coffee shop and a series of weird dates a butterfly came back

Not the same species as before but a hearty type

While not always trusting these butterflies grow in population

Hesitant but loving

I let the butterflies win

Between the coffee, ice cream, museums, long walks

I don’t know

But I do know I’ve started listening to love songs on repeat, buying cute cards, and all of my friends think I look and sound better than I ever have

I hope these butterflies don’t go extinct too, I have a feeling they will

Extinction is inevitable and love is never enough

Evolution may make more butterflies

Yet the cruel fate of the uninhabitable environment consistently sets them up to fail

Butterflies always die