I Wait For Death Like A Soldier's Wife

I’ve lost track of time

Not just lost track, more like I’ve lost time

Half of my year thrown into a deep black abyss

My time left out the door you walked in through

Sending me into a timeless loop where my days, weeks, and months don’t feel real

Three of them deep in a feeling I thought was love

Three of them on the precipice of a manic-depressive spiral where I implode my being

My calendar says my time with you and time without you are now equal

By a month and a half in my wounds should have healed over

Yet I spend the lonely nights picking at scares

Peeling at scabs and making the wound fresh again

Feeling everything like it was the first time

“I need someone more type b, you’re type a”

“You didn’t do anything wrong I just can’t see a future with you”

“We just approach relationships differently”

All when days before I met your friends

A week before, you were telling me that if you had to exclusively buy me purple flowers for the rest of our life together, you would

When you were just talking about taking me to the cape knowing full well you wanted to break up

“It was either now or a few months from now”

Our sped up slowed down whirlwind, snail-paced love story left me dizzy and delirious

Stuck in a time suck where you leaving feels like yesterday but so does the day we met

I’m still on the couch where I fell in love with you and you inevitably broke my heart

My past has been defined but my future is a void I’m filling with all the things that would have made me more fun

I’m in a time warp of a lost, idealized future and a less-than-perfect past where I cannot reconcile all of the good with all of the bad